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Grieving doesn’t follow a linear pattern. It often cycles around and just when one is beginning to feel better, something triggers and re-awakens the grief. Often it is a reminder of the loss which triggers a renewed grief – an anniversary, a song heard over a car radio, a birthday, etc. When grief returns there can be anxiety, sadness, anger, depression, guilt, loneliness, sleep disorder. Here are 3 ways to manage re-awakened grief:
- Make connections. When grief returns reach out and spend time with people whose company you enjoy, people who are optimist and kind. Don’t go it alone.
- Try to stay busy. A time of re-awakened grief may be ideal for doing some chores which have been put off: clean the house or apartment, sort through clothing you no longer wear and donate it, read the books piling up on your nightstand, finish an abandoned project.
- Increase your self-care levels. Get more physical exercise, devote more of yourself to spiritual practices such as prayer or meditation, rest, and eat healthy meals.
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Thich Nhat Hanh, known affectionately to his followers as “Thay” (teacher), recently traveled back to his homeland in Vietnam from Thailand, where he has been convalescing since late December 2016.* The celebrated Zen master, who has been recovering from a severe stroke since 2014, said in a letter to his disciples that he had decided to spend the remainder of his life at Tu Hieu Pagoda in Hue, where he was ordained at the age of 16.
“The Buddhist knowledge and wisdom I learned from Tu Hieu is now spreading all over the world, and I believe it’s time for me to get back to my roots,” Thay, who is reported to be in stable health, said in his letter. “Students of Tu Hieu are now living and practicing Buddhism in many different places around the world and as a way to remind them of their roots, I want to die here in Tu Hieu.”
Thich Nhat Hanh arrived in Vietnam on 26 October, a year after his previous trip to his homeland.** His itinerary includes spending several days in Da Nang, with a visit to his birthplace in nearby Thua Thien in Hue. This is Thay’s fifth journey to Vietnam since he left the country in 1966.
Many in the West describe Thich Nhat Hanh as their first and foremost Buddhist teacher, largely through his writings and retreats.
“The Buddhist knowledge and wisdom I learned from Tu Hieu is now spreading all over the world, and I believe it’s time for me to get back to my roots,” Thay, who is reported to be in stable health, said in his letter. “Students of Tu Hieu are now living and practicing Buddhism in many different places around the world and as a way to remind them of their roots, I want to die here in Tu Hieu.”
Thich Nhat Hanh arrived in Vietnam on 26 October, a year after his previous trip to his homeland.** His itinerary includes spending several days in Da Nang, with a visit to his birthplace in nearby Thua Thien in Hue. This is Thay’s fifth journey to Vietnam since he left the country in 1966.
Many in the West describe Thich Nhat Hanh as their first and foremost Buddhist teacher, largely through his writings and retreats.
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Most of us do not realize how much we depend upon other people’s approval for our security. When we are established within ourselves, criticism, even condemnation, will not shake our security, will not make us hostile. - Eknath Easwaran
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- "I don't have the time!"
- Too hard to get out of the “doing” mindset—there is so much else that needs doing.
- Cultural conditioning: don’t be so selfish.
- Laziness or sloth (which is the 4th "deadly sin")
- Life patterns - it's hard to make adjustments to include meditation.
- Too many distractions.
- I can't get rid of the thoughts.
- It's hard to be still, quiet.
- Nothing is happening.
- "I don't feel like it!"
(feel free to re-post and/or link to your social media)
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Rev. Norman Vincent Peale, author The Power Of Positive Thinking – twentieth century: “ Whenever a negative thought concerning your personal powers comes to mind, deliberately voice a positive thought to cancel it out.”
Patanjali, author the Yoga Sutra, - 2nd century BCE: “When presented with negative,disquieting thoughts or feelings, cultivate an opposite, elevated attitude.”
Patanjali, author the Yoga Sutra, - 2nd century BCE: “When presented with negative,disquieting thoughts or feelings, cultivate an opposite, elevated attitude.”
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Do to others what you would have done to yourself. Put yourself in the shoes of your grieving friend - anyone who has recently experienced a loss to death, separation, divorce, etc. Ask yourself: How would I like to be treated just now? What would I like to hear? Who would I want to hear from? What kind of condolence letter would bring me the most comfort?
By applying the golden rule of comforting you will avoid saying things which minimize the loss and are offensive to grievers. Such comments include:
Rather than make statements which frustrate and anger grievers, those who apply the golden rule of comforting are more likely to respond with words which acknowledge the loss and the pain. Some examples of helpful, encouraging words include:
People do make the journey through grief but often it's made "easier" with the help of a few friends. Reach out and do your part.
By applying the golden rule of comforting you will avoid saying things which minimize the loss and are offensive to grievers. Such comments include:
- He’s in a better place now.
- She lived a good life.
- I know what you’re going through.
- You need to snap out of this.
- Now, now - no tears!
- You must be strong.
- It’s a blessing in disguise.
Rather than make statements which frustrate and anger grievers, those who apply the golden rule of comforting are more likely to respond with words which acknowledge the loss and the pain. Some examples of helpful, encouraging words include:
- I am so sorry.
- What can I do for you.
- How can I help.
- This must be very hard.
People do make the journey through grief but often it's made "easier" with the help of a few friends. Reach out and do your part.
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Humility means that one should not be anxious to have the satisfaction of being honored by others. - A. C.Bhaktivedanta
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"Exacerbated by the deluge of social media updates shared by most of us these days—unlike any other time in recorded history—the pressure to lead an engaging and stimulating life is well and truly on" writes Tilly Campbell-Allen in an essay titled "Dare To Be Boring: Advice For A Life Well Lived."
Here are some of her insights followed by my brief lesson application:
Here are some of her insights followed by my brief lesson application:
- Social media clearly makes us feel uninteresting compared to others. "From a night out on the town with your best friends to a solitary asana on a mountain top overlooking an idyllic valley; from swimming with wild turtles in the limpid coves of Maui to riding white water rapids in Norway; from volunteering with big cats in a South African sanctuary to champagne dining at Le Jules Verne in Paris. And the catalogue of bucket list images grows exponentially on a daily basis as travelers Instagram their latest adventures." The lesson: don't compare what's someone posts about their exterior lives to your interior life
- We are never enough. "Are you spiritual enough? Are you practiced enough? Are you vegan enough? Are you retreated enough? Are you guru-connected enough? Are you enlightened enough?! " The lesson: don't succumb to the temptation of spiritual materialism, buying and chasing experiences.
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We do not practice meditation to gain admiration from anyone. Rather, we practice to contribute to peace in the world. - Sayadaw U Pandita
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The very nature of Buddhist practice is learning to accept the role of a Bodhisattva. 'Bodhisattva' is a Sanskrit word which means 'one who seeks awakening'. The term is used interchangeably in three different ways: 1) a being who is enlightened; 2) a being who is on the path of enlightenment; 3) a being who enlightens others. Tibetan Buddhism uses the term 'bodhisattva' in a combination of the three understandings and refers to a bodhisattva as a person intent on attaining enlightenment for the sake of others. In order to reinforce this understanding, some Buddhist teachers would often begin public talks by saying 'Bodhisattvas' rather than 'Ladies and Gentlemen'.